The Long Way Down
by Eve2006
Summary: The Brothers struggle with the aftermath of Jess's death and being on the road again. *** Please note contains graphic images and references to self harm ***
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

Dean Winchester was nothing if not realistic. From the moment that his little brother had announced that he was back in the hunt, he had always known that there would be, what was that word that they used on Oprah, oh yeah "teething problems". Sure Sam had reverted back to his role as researcher, much to Dean's delight, and once in the hunt he never had any doubt that his brother would always have his back. But it was watching his brother in the down time between hunts that had Dean worried.

Sam had always been a troubled sleeper, suffering from nightmares that would have him screaming in the middle of the night, but once awake refusing to tell what they were about. At first their Dad had been the model father and tried to comfort his son as he would sob uncontrollably but as Sam got older their father's tolerance lessened until one night he shouted at Sam telling him that he needed to grow up and that he needed to stop waking everyone in the middle of the night.

Of course Dean knew that the real reason that his father had reacted like that was because he was frustrated that Sam would not tell him what the nightmares were about and on the night in question he had just returned from a hunt where he hadn't slept in 48 hours as he hunted a particularly nasty poltergeist and was suffering from a mild concussion and a dislocated shoulder. The next day he had tried to apologise to Sam, but as usual the miscommunication between the two reared it's ugly head and his brother continued to believe that he was that he needed to hide his nightmares from his family.

While John Winchester seemed to believed that they had stopped, Dean knew different. He and Sam had always shared a room, he watched as his brother would toss and turn in his sleep, wake up gasping, all the while trying to muffle the scream that would accompany his awakening. It was hard to watch his brother suffering in silence but there was nothing he could do, he tried to confront Sam, get him to tell him what was going on, he even went so far as to tell his brother that he knew that he was still having nightmares but Sam denied it, saying that he wasn't having any nightmares and didn't know what Dean was talking about.

God, how something's never change. Ever since they had left Palo Alto, Sam had awoken from a nightmare almost every night, usually with Jess's name escaping his lips, but that was not always the case. It had Dean worried, more than he would care to admit – especially to Sam, but he could see his brother wasting away in front of him.

The problem of Sam's lack of sleep was only surpassed by his appetite or to be more accurate his lack of it. Trying to get Sam to eat was like trying to pull teeth. His brother had never been a big eater even though his size implied otherwise, but this was stupid and Dean was getting sick of watching his brother waste away before his eyes.

He had tried everything he could think of, he bought salads - the usual rabbit food that his brother used to like before he went to Stanford, when that didn't work he had moved onto the foods that had always were the main feature in the Winchester's diet, burgers and fries. This was all met in the usual manner by his brother, being pushed around a plate, with a few bites making their way into Sam's mouth.

Trying to get Sam to talk about his nightmares was the equivalent of talking to a brick wall. His brother would quickly turn the conversation to their latest hunt, the seemingly never ending search for their father or in usual Sam Winchester style, he would get angry, tell Dean that there was nothing going on and he didn't know or understand what his brother was talking about.

Dean was shaken from his thoughts as the waitress approached their table with their respective orders – Dean a healthy burger, fries and soda and Sam with his black coffee and toasted sandwich. As he ate his own food he watched as Sam drank the coffee down as he ate less than half the sandwich. After Sam pushed the plate away and had called the waitress back to the table so he could get a refill of his coffee, Dean cautiously ventured to get his brother to talk.

"What's up with the sandwich? Is there something wrong with it, cause you can order something else." Dean said, trying to sound casual, but he knew by the look on his brother's face that Sam wasn't buying it.

"God Dean would you please just let it go. I'm fine, I'm just not hungry that's all, ok?" Sam tried to sound as if he was not irritated by Dean's constant prodding that he was not eating enough or not sleeping enough but it was really starting to play on his nerves.

He was fine; he just wished that his brother would stop fussing over him. Sam had been expecting Dean to be in mother hen mood after everything that had happened in Palo Alto but this was just getting out of control.

"You're not fine Sam. I know you're not sleeping and you're not eating enough, look at you, you must have lost a stone since we left Stanford." Dean was fighting the urge to shake his brother until he saw reason. Expecting Sam to get angry, he watched in surprise as Sam began to laugh.

"Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic there Dean?" As Sam continued to laugh, Dean felt his blood pressure rise.

"You think this is funny, you're no good to me Sam if you collapse in the middle of a hunt cause you haven't had enough to eat, I mean for crying out loud; you're supposed to be watching my back – how can you do that if you've passed out?"

The laughter coming from his brother had died the moment Dean had started his tirade and Dean watched as unshed tears emerged in his little brothers eyes.

"I'm sorry Dean, I'll try harder." Sam whispered as he reached forward and started in on his sandwich again.

Dean had thought that the sight of his brother eating would make him happy but as he watched as Sam seemed to force himself to eat and struggle to swallow every bite, he began to wonder if he had achieved anything other than making Sam shut him out the way he had his father all those years ago?

Tbc???????????????

Please read and review. Should I continue???


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

And so it went on for days, Sam would force himself to eat as Dean watched on feeling guiltier with each bite his brother took. The nightmares were still a regular feature but as with their father's reprimand Sam now tried to control the scream that usually came with his wakening, moving from the bed to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

The first night it happened Dean was about to get up to check on his brother. He was starting to worry as Sam had been in there for just over an hour and he was pretty sure that he had heard sobbing earlier. The decision was made for him as the bathroom door opened and his brother emerged, Dean doing his best to pretend that he was asleep.

It was then that Dean realised that they had started to play a game; Sam would pretend that he was fine; that he was back eating and sleeping and Dean would pretend that he thought that the nightmares had gone away.

But at least Dean had one glimmer of hope to hold onto, as much as Sam was struggling; at least he was eating again and sure he couldn't help feeling guilty watching his brother force himself to swallow but it was for his brothers own good. Well that was until he accidentally overheard Sam getting sick in the bathroom. At first he thought that maybe Sam was coming down with something but when it happened a second and a third time Dean had to admit to himself that Sam's deception over the nightmares continued through to what he was eating or not to put it more accurately.

Now he was at a loss what to do, how to help his brother and for the life of him he didn't know when it had happened. Sure there were the two years when Sam was at Stanford, but when he came back into his life he had been able to comfort Sam and they had connected again, but now Dean didn't know what to do.

Since Jess's death, Sam had become so consumed with the hunt that Dean was scared with the physical shape his brother he would end up getting himself killed. He knew that he couldn't confront Sam, look how well that had gone down last time, but he couldn't risk going on a hunt now.

Looking up at his brother now, he saw Sam hunched over the laptop, the faint blue and white glow hi-lighting his brothers pale face which were in stark contrast with the dark bags under his eyes. Laying his head back against the pillow, he closed his eyes, hoping to figure out some way to help his brother.

SN

Sam would have had to be blind not to notice that his brother's constant stares and sad, almost sympathetic glances and he fought hard not to let his emotions over take him. There were times when all he wanted to do was release his emotions and tell Dean everything, how he dreams of Jessica dying almost every night, how he had had the dreams of her death for days before she had actually died. But as soon as that thought entered his head, it would be quickly replaced by the words of his father telling him to grow up.

He knew they were just nightmares, that they couldn't hurt him and that they weren't real. But the truth was that they had been once, and every night he watched his girlfriend burn, every night he would see the look of betrayal on her face. How could he not have warned her, he should have been able to save her.

It scared him to think of what Dean's reaction would be if he told him the truth, that he was some kinda psychic freak? He didn't even know how he felt, let alone deal with the possibility of loosing his older brother.

Sam knew that Dean was worried and he was working hard to show his brother that he was ok. He had finally been able to get control of his nightmares just as he had when he was younger – sure he couldn't stop them but at least now he had regained his ability to have control of the release from his subconscious.

Trying to eat was turning out to be a little more difficult. It wasn't that he didn't want to eat or that he wasn't hungry, it was just that everything that he ate tasted like sawdust and once he took a bite his stomach would begin to churn. He had begun to continue to eat even thought the taste on his pallet was pretty much unbearable but he hadn't got control of his stomach and within half an hour of eating he was paying homage to the porcelain God.

As he searched the internet for their next hunt he looked across at Dean who seemed to be sleeping peacefully on his bed, suddenly he felt envious of his brother, he was so tired, all he wanted was a few hours of uninterrupted slept but he knew he didn't deserve it, he had let Jessica die and if never having a peaceful sleep again was his punishment well then he would just have to deal with it.

He knew he had to be careful though, cause if Dean knew that he was still having nightmares and not keeping his food down then he had no doubt that his brother would take him out of the hunt and that was something that Sam could not afford to let happen.

SN

It came to Dean like an epiphany, and Sam had always told him that he did his best thinking when he was using the bathroom. He knew what he had to do to help his brother; he couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of it before. Sam needed help and needed to get away from the hunt for a while. Dean needed help, and when it came to his brother he would never be too proud to seek it when Sam's life was at stake.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw that his brother had fallen asleep at the table, laptop still open in front of him. Dean picked up his phone and silently slipped outside the motel room door, looking back to ensure that his brother was still asleep as he closed over the door.

Flipping down through his list of contacts he finally settled on the person he was looking for, knowing that although it was after midnight the call would be answered and sure enough on the second ring he heard a gruff voice on the other end of the phone.

"Hello"

"Hey Bobby, it's Dean, I need your help."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

Dean closed the phone and breathed a sigh of relief. He felt as if a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders, the pressure of trying to keep Sam's head above water was beginning to cause him to go under as well. Watching his little brother suffer while being helpless to do anything about it was just not the Dean Winchester way.

After half an hour on the phone with Bobby, he had unloaded everything, he told him about how Sam wasn't coping with Jess's death, their Dad still being missing, the nightmares, the not eating and the fact that the person, who just a few weeks before, had not wanted anything to do with hunting was now spending every waking hour researching for hunts.

Bobby had listened to Dean unleash everything that he had been forced to keep to himself, with Dean's main worry being that he would loose Sam in a hunt. It was hard for Dean to admit that he didn't know what to do, that for the first time in his life he didn't know how to help his brother, but that was just what he did. He told Bobby that he was completely out of ideas and felt like he was at breaking point.

Bobby had stepped in straight away and told Dean to bring Sam to his place, when Dean began to object and say that there was no way that Sam would take time off, Bobby came up with a solution straight away.

"You tell Sam that I called you. Tell him I have noticed some strange omens showing up and I'm not sure what they mean. If he doesn't go for it, then you just knock him out, tie him up and throw him in that car of yours. Whatever you have to do Dean, just get him here."

Dean could hear the concern in Bobby's voice, and appreciated it. It also struck him as a bit odd that although he had left numerous messages for his Dad, begging him to get in touch, that he needed him and never got any reply and yet here he was after speaking with Bobby, who last time they had saw him, he had gone after their father with a shotgun, was willing to put a hold on everything to help them.

As soon as the thought had come, it pretty much passed, Dean's logic quickly overriding the feelings of disappointment in his father. The only explanation in Dean's mind was that his father was not able to get in contact, though this thought was also not welcome.

Opening the motel room door, he saw his brother was still asleep at the table. Part of him wanted to wake his brother, knowing that the position that his brother was in could not be comfortable and that he would feel it in the morning, the other part was telling him to leave his brother where he was as it looked like he finely was getting some rest. Deciding that he needed to have a shower, he would wait until he was finished before waking his brother.

SN

Twenty minutes later he emerged from the bathroom feeling refreshed and for the first time in a long time, he actually felt relaxed. As he took note of his brother, still sleeping he could see that his brother's brow was beginning to crease, as if he was upset and then suddenly his brother startled awake. Sam took in the room, a dazed look on his face. Dean watched as his brother began to become aware of his surroundings. He recoiled when he realised that Dean was awake and watching him, towel drying his hair.

"You ok?" Dean couldn't help it, he had tried to ignore what was going on, worried at how his acknowledgement would be taken by Sam, but he couldn't just brush over it now.

"Yeah, I'm fine Dean, just didn't realise that I had fallen asleep. Sorry."

Immediately Sam looked back at the laptop, the screen saver now running. As his fingers began to move across the keypad, Dean decided to give something a try.

"Hey Sammy, now that you're awake I was just wondering, there's a Rocky marathon on this week, there showing Rocky 1 tonight, how 'bout I get us a few beers and we watch. It'll be like when we were little, but I swear dude if you start to cry when Apollo puts Rocky down, I'm going to disown you. What do you think?" He tried to keep his voice light, but inside he was screaming for his brother to reach out and accept the chance to just relax even if it was just for a few hours.

Dean watched as a small smile spread across his brother's face and his heart leapt.

"I don't know man, I mean I haven't found us a new hunt yet and there are some databases I need to crack to check and see if I can get a lead on Dad." Sam said as he again looked away from Dean and back to the laptop.

Seeing how close his brother had come to maybe saying yes, and realising he had an opportunity to test the water with his little brother's willingness to go to Bobby's, he tried again.

"Well you know Sammy, you don't have to look for a hunt, cause your fantastic, and need I mention extremely good looking older brother has already got the gig sorted." He smiled as he watched the confusion on his brother's face, raising his eyebrows at his little brother and putting on his best shit-eating grin, he continued.

"Bobby called, said he has come across some omens or something. He thinks something bad is about to go down, wants us to stop by to see if we can help him make heads or tails of it. What do ya think, you interested?"

He watched as Sam turned his head slightly to the side and knew that his brother was weighing up the options, while also try to work out if his brother has an ulterior motive. Dean watched, as Sam seemed to find one.

"What about Dad, we need to keep looking?" Sam asked quietly

Dean never thought he would be relieved to hear those words come out of his brother's mouth, if that was the only obstacle that Sam could see then he could deal with that.

"We'd only be going to Bobby's Sammy, he does have an Internet connection. We can give him a hand and continue to look, in fact he might be able to come up with a few ideas about what is going on." Dean was very proud of his performance; he was, in his opinion, doing a fantastic job of keeping it casual when all he really wanted to do tell Sam that they were going to Bobby's whether he liked it or not.

"Yeah, I guess your right. I mean if Bobby needs our help we should go, and anyway I haven't been able to find anything worth looking into on the net." As he said this he turned back to the laptop

"Well you still haven't answered my original question, you up for some beers and watching Rocky? Come on Sam, don't be a wet blanket!"

"Fine if it'll make you happy." Sam said, but Dean knew there was no real frustration there, he was just doing the usual Sammy thing and pretend that he was doing Dean a favour.

"Ok good, well I'll go get the beers, I want that laptop shut off by the time I get back." Watching, as his brother was about to object, he quickly moved to cut him off.

"No arguments Sam, how am I meant to enjoy my beer and watch Rocky if all I can hear is you tapping away?"

For the second time in the last few minutes, Dean watched as a smile crept onto his brothers' face and all he could think was that he had made the right move by calling Bobby.

As he grabbed his wallet and headed out the door, he turned back to his brother grinning.

"Hey Sam, if you are pretending to be Rocky again when I come back there'll be no beer for you!"

Sam looked up from the laptop, a mortified look on his face.

"I was four Dean, when are you going to let that go?" Sam said, trying his best to sound indignant.

"Let me think about that, mmmm never." Dean laughed as he headed out the door. Once outside, he took a deep breath, the weight that been bearing down on his chest seemed to be lifting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

When Dean got in the Impala, he slapped his hand on the steering wheel, and started the engine, finally it felt like he was getting somewhere with Sam. He drove to the local store, picked up some beers, snacks and before long was heading back to his brother.

Walking back into the motel room he noticed that the laptop that his brother had been spending so many hours in front was finally closed and he could hear running water from the bathroom.

Dean opened one of the beers and put the rest in the fridge. Picking up a pack of chips, he lay back on his bed and removed his boots. Munching on the chips as he waited for his brother to finish, he began channel surfing, knowing that Rocky would be on in fifteen minutes.

A moment later, Sam emerged from the bathroom towel drying his hair, a cloud of steam following him out. Dean couldn't help but notice that his brother was wearing a long sleeved T-Shirt, which he found odd, as he had thought that the room was too warm.

"Dude, you coming down with something?" He asked as he watched his brother, who was standing with his back to him, momentarily stop drying his hair. Dean could have sworn that Sam's shoulders seemed to stiffen at the question.

But when Sam turned to face him, he was sure that he had imagined it.

"No man, I feel fine." He said as he began drying his hair again.

"Then what's with the long sleeves?"

"I just felt a bit cold that's all."

As he watched his brother, he couldn't help but feel that something wasn't right,that he was missing something, but if that was the case then his brother was doing a very good job at keeping it hidden from him.

"Well, you better finish being such a girl, and grab a beer before Rocky starts. I mean seriously dude I've been with women who spend less time on their hair." He smirked at Sam, waiting for a positive reaction and hoping that his brother would respond to the challenge. He was rewarded when his brother started to smile, and headed towards the fridge.

"Funny Dean, did anyone ever tell you that you're wasting your talent? I hear they are always looking for people in the circus."

Dean sighed and began to laugh.

"Dude since you brought up the circus, I have one word for ya – Coulrophobia!"

He watched as his brother turned to look at him with his beer in his hand.

"Shut up, least I'm not afraid of flying." Sam said, with a smirk coming to his own face.

"Planes can crash Sam, seriously have you ever seen Air Crash Investigation?"

"Whatever, thought you said Rocky was on?"

"Yeah, it's on in a few minutes."

Dean watched as Sam's head turned towards the laptop and he knew what his brother was thinking.

"Don't even think about it Sammy, that laptop is off for the night. We are going to drink a few beers, have some snacks and watch Rocky. Then we are going to go to sleep and in the morning after breakfast we'll head for Bobby's. When you're there you can go back to being geek boy, alright?"

He saw the battle going on in Sam and he hoped that he had kept his little speech light hearted enough that Sam wouldn't think he was been given an order. It was a Winchester trait to be stubborn, Dean knew he had it, but Sam was definitely his father's son when it came to being stubborn, but all he could do was hope that his brother would just give in on this one.

"Fine, but you better have gotten some M&Ms."

Dean reached into the bag in between their beds and pulled out three packets of M&Ms and smiled.

"Oh yeah, I think I have it covered!"

Dean watched as his brother laughed at all the right moments, answered him back and rummaged through the packet of M&Ms, all the while knowing that his brother was putting it on. It was all just a front, Dean wasn't a fool but he was fine with that cause he knew that Sam was trying and the way that Dean saw it, that was better than nothing.

It was hard for Dean to watch his brother try to force himself to stay awake, knowing that he was desperately trying to stay awake in order not to have to face the nightmares that always seemed to be waiting for him.

The more he thought about it, the more he felt that going to Bobby's would be good for Sam, between the two of them they might be able to get his brother to come out of the depression that had taken over him since Jessica's death. He was worried about what would happen if they couldn't get Sam out of this, he also worried what Sam would do if he found out that the real reason for them going to Bobby's was not to help Bobby but to help him.

He watched as Rocky ran up the last of the steps, turned and began jumping up and down with his arms above his head. Knowing that this had always been his brother's favourite part of the movie, he saw a small smile creep onto Sam's face.

As he thought back on it he realised that even Rocky had caused his brother problems when he was younger. When Sam had first watched Rocky with Dean, he must have been only about three years old. After the film was over Dean had put his little brother to bed as he waited for his father to get home. Just as their father entered the motel, Sam began to scream. Dean startled awake by Sam, watched as their father entered the room with his shotgun in his hand, eyes searching the room for whatever was trying to hurt his child.

Realising that there wasn't anything there he watched as Sammy began muttering something as he tossed and turned in the bed. At first they couldn't work out what he was saying but gradually the words became clear.

"Get up Rocky, up."

Till the day he died, Dean would never forget the look on his father's face, as he turned to him and said, "Tell me you didn't let him watch Rocky?"

Well in his defence, how was he meant to know that Sam would have nightmares about Rocky, like seriously, who had nightmares about Rocky? He remembered looking up at his father and was surprised when he saw a smile form, as he tried to wake Sam. Of course he wasn't smiling two weeks later when Sam was still was having nightmares and shouting for Rocky to get up.

When they reached that part of the movie where Apollo sends Rocky to the canvas, he looked at Sam. He was surprised when he saw Sam mouthing the words "Get up Rocky". All Dean could think was that now it was official, his brother really was a girl!!

Tbc...

Please please read and review. Let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

Dean woke slowly the next morning, feeling relaxed. He and Sam had turned in after watching Rocky, and for the first time since Jess's death he hadn't been awakened by his brother's distress from yet another nightmare.

Sitting up slowly, he surveyed the room, noticing that Sam was no longer where he had left him last night; in fact his brother's bed was made. He listened for movement coming from the bathroom, hearing none and with the door closed; worry started to creep through him.

As he was about to get out of bed, he heard the familiar sound of the key in the door, and let out the breath that he didn't even know that he was holding. Carrying two cups of coffee and what looked like a bag of doughnuts was his little brother.

Dean couldn't help it, and the minute he opened his mouth he knew that he was going to regret it.

"Jesus Sam, what happened to leaving a note when you're going out? You trying to give me a heart attack or something?" He just couldn't help himself; the words just flowed out even as he watched Sam's head drop in resignation. God he had spent all of last night trying the pick him up, and he had just ruined everything in one foul swoop. He watched as his brother raised his head but wouldn't meet Dean's eyes.

"Sorry Dean, I just thought that after you went and got the stuff last night, that I should do my fair share and get breakfast. I didn't think that you would be up before I came back. Sorry." Dean watched as Sam moved away from him and placed the food and coffees on the table.

"No Sam listen, I'm the one that's sorry, I was just worried and I took it out on you. Seriously dude, my bad!" Holding his hands up, and plastering a smile on his face, he watched his brother carefully, trying to see if Sam would accept his apology.

Sam looked up at Dean and nodded. It was then that Dean noticed the dark circles under his brother's eyes and he realised that Sam didn't have the nightmare free night that Dean has thought he had.

"I should have left you a note though, and I will next time."

"Ah don't worry about it. Now what did you bring for breakfast, better be something good."

Sam laughed, and handed Dean the coffee, then tore open the bag, which Dean had correctly identified as doughnuts.

"Will this do?" he asked

"Yeah, it'll do." Dean answered, as he grabbed two of the doughnuts in one hand and a cup of coffee with the other.

Dean sat down and watched as his brother sat across from him drinking his coffee, noticing that Sam was making no effort to eat.

"Dude, did I take the one you wanted or something?" He asked, knowing that the real reason for his brother not eating had nothing to do with the choice of doughnuts that were left.

Sam didn't answer Dean, he sighed, reached his hand out and grabbed a doughnut. What worried Dean was the sigh; it wasn't a sigh of frustration but a sigh of defeat. Sam seemed to be drowning in depression and defeat since Jess had died. As he watched his brother, Dean couldn't help the feeling of helplessness that started to come back. He shook his head, he knew that he couldn't fall into that place, Sam was already there and he couldn't help his brother by being there with him, he had to be on the outside if he was going to get Sam out.

"Do you want the bathroom first?" He asked, keeping his voice light.

"No man, I already showered before I went for breakfast." Sam said as he played around with a piece of the doughnut that he had pulled off.

Dean's head snapped up as he looked at his brother, and couldn't help wondering just how long his brother had been up. He wanted to ask him but didn't want to push Sam away by doing so. Starting to laugh as he asked his brother.

"So would Rocky not get up after Apollo put him down?"

Sam looked at Dean, feigning annoyance.

"Funny Dean. I was awake, so I had a shower and went for breakfast." With that Sam was back pulling at his doughnut.

"So it was Ronald McDonald, instead of Apollo that put Rocky to the canvas?" Dean said, putting on his trademark smirk.

"Dude, when are you going to let it go, I was three for God's sake. It's not my fault that they had that stupid McDonalds ad on when Rocky was on. I mean seriously, how could they not know that a tall guy with white paint on his face, red lipstick and a big red wig wouldn't scare the crap out of a kid."

Dean couldn't help but laugh at his brother's rant.

"It's good to see you have moved on and let it go! Oh man it was funny though, you'd freak out every time there was an ad for McDonalds on TV or you were in the back of the Impala and saw the golden arches. Did you know that cause you freaked out so much, if we had to move somewhere new, Dad would check to see if there was a McDonalds there?"

Sam almost choked on his coffee and Dean couldn't help but laugh.

"You're just making stuff up now Dean." Sam said as he went the brightest shade of red.

"I'm serious dude, you would freak out so much at the mention on McDonalds that you wouldn't sleep for a week, come your bed time you would be fighting sleep. You're very cranky without sleep you know. Anyway there was no pleasing you once you got it into your head, so I think Dad just wanted an easy life and he done everything to ensure you never heard, saw or ate out of McDonalds."

Dean watched, as Sam seemed surprised that his father would go to such lengths and it surprised Dean, surely his brother knew that their father would do anything for him. But then he remembered how Sam had believed that their father hadn't gone to Palo Alto when Jess had died because he thought that their father hated him.

"I can't believe that Dad would do that; I mean I thought he thought I was stupid." Sam said as he finally ate a bit of the doughnut.

"Dude, you were like three, I mean we weren't going to judge your stupidity level at that age, although the fact that clowns still freak you out, I am starting to wonder…."Dean said, again putting on his trademark grin and lifting his eyebrows at his brother.

"Alright, thanks for breakfast. I'm going to head for the shower, if you start packing up our things we can hit the road and be on our way to Bobby's in the next hour?"

"Sure, that suits me fine" Sam said, as Dean got up from the table and headed to the bathroom.

As he closed the door behind him, he closed his eyes and gave out to himself, how could he have gone off at Sam like that? He had worked so hard to try and get back on track, how could he turn around and do something so stupid? Letting out a sigh, he stepped away from the door.

Standing at the sink, he moved his hand to his razor, but as he did so he knocked over the toothpaste that had been situated perilously close to the edge. He watched as it fell from the sink and made its way into the bin. Silently cursing, he bent down and began to pick the toothpaste out of the bin. It was then he noticed a discarded cloth covered in blood. He knew that the bin had been empty when they had arrived and he certainly hadn't been bleeding so that only left one possibility, Sam.

Tbc...

Thanks a million for the reviews so far, please keep letting me know what you like and don't like.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

A/N: I'm really really sorry for posting this chapter previously without a warning for graphic content and references to self harm - I completely forgot. Just want to thank Karasu Yurei for pointing it out. Again really sorry if I offended anyone.

Dean didn't understand what was going on, if Sam was hurt or injured then why didn't he tell him? He tried to think back to their last hunt, it was a nasty Poltergeist, and sure Sam got thrown around a bit, but Dean had checked him out; there were no blood injuries. Sam had been pretty banged up and left bruised, but there had definitely been no blood. Standing up quickly, he took the blood-covered cloth with him and exited the bathroom.

He found Sam., standing over a duffle bag, hap hazardly putting stuff away. Looking for any sign of injury, Dean found that his temper was rising, while his instinct was telling him not to go straight for his brother, as this would only push Sam further away.

"Sam, what is this?" Dean asked as he held the bloody cloth up for his brother to see.

He watched as Sam turned to look at him and could have sworn that he saw his brother flinch when he realised what Dean was holding in his hand. But as soon he thought he saw it, it was gone.

"Oh I just had a nosebleed this morning, no big deal, you'd better hurry with that shower otherwise we will never make it to Bobby's." With that he turned away from Dean and resumed his packing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked, his gut was telling him that there was something wrong here but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Sam stopped what he was doing and turned to face him.

"Dude, it was a nosebleed, hardly worth mentioning. I had forgotten all about it until you came out waving that thing." Again he turned and resumed his packing.

"Are you sure you're ok? There is nothing else going on?"

"Yeah Dean, I'm fine, it was just a nosebleed."

Dean nodded his head and went back into the bathroom closing the door behind him. Leaning against the door, he closed his eyes, Sam was lying to him, his Sammy was lying to him. He knew in his heart that his brother had just looked him in the eye and lied to him. Dean was sure of it, he had watched Sam grow into the man that he was today and there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that there was something going on with his brother.

He was at his wits end, and suddenly a tear that had been threatening to fall for the longest time finally made its way down his cheek. He was lost and he knew it. For some reason he thought that he could just walk back into Sam's life after to two years and pick up right where he left off but now he realised that that wasn't the case.

For his whole life Sam had been able to come to him with any problems he had, knowing that if he didn't want their father to know that Dean would never tell and that he would do everything in his power to help Sam out of whatever situation he had found himself in. When had that changed?

Moving towards the sink, he turned on the cold tap and bathed his face with water. Looking into the mirror he saw the same Dean that had looked after his little brother all his life. He had always thought that he was a good son and a good brother but obviously he was wrong. His dad had left him and Sam obviously felt that he had to keep things from Dean now. So if he wasn't the good son and the good brother then who was he?

Dean turned away, again trying to remind himself that he couldn't afford to let himself drown in self-pity, how could he help Sam get back on his feet if he was struggling to keep his own head above water? But then a little voice in his head said quietly "what if Sam doesn't want you to help, doesn't need you to help?"

Shaking his head, he knew that that was just his self-doubt talking. His little brother needed him, and the fact that Sam was keeping things from him meant that they were in a lot more trouble than he realised. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the self-doubt away and knew that they had to get to Bobby's – sooner rather than later.

SN

Sam knew that Dean didn't believe him, he could tell by Dean's eyes. But he had a choice to make and he would rather that Dean think he was a liar than be disgusted by a brother who he finally realised was nothing more than a weak human being.

He ran his hands over his face and slumped down onto the bed as he heard the shower begin to run, knowing that his brother would not emerge for another few minutes, Sam laid himself across the bed. Closing his eyes he felt the tears that had been his constant companion over the past few weeks, show themselves again. He knew that if Dean knew what he had been doing, he would be disgusted with him and Sam could not take the chance on Dean walking out on him, he just couldn't bear the thought of being alone.

Sitting up slowly on the bed, he began lifting up the sleeve of his shirt, watching in quiet fascination as the scars on his arms began to appear. After Jess's death he had felt numb, he followed Dean because he needed to find the thing that had taken his girlfriend away from him, but also because he felt safe with Dean. However soon after leaving Palo Alto the numbness began to wear off and the pain and grief of Jess's death finally hit home. He was never going to come home and smell the shampoo that she used wafting through the house, he was never going to wake up beside the women that he had decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he was never going to have the safe normal life that had seemed to close until a few weeks ago.

It had hit him like a bolt of lightening and with it, it had brought the nightmares, full-blown high definition replays of the night that he had lost the love of his life and with her the life he had always dreamed of. His appetite was now none existent, everything that went into his mouth tasting like sawdust. He was back hunting, and although he knew that it was part of the life he now chose to live, the constant reminder of how bad life can be only increased the pain that he was feeling. That was until one night when Dean had gone out to get something for them to eat.

Sitting in the motel room on his own, he had decided to check his emails; it was the first time since that night that he had bothered. Reading the messages from his friends actually made Sam feel worse, as it was just a reminder of what he had lost. Suddenly he felt like he couldn't breath.

Standing he headed towards the bathroom, sitting on the side of the bath he put his head between his knees and tried to slow his breathing, but it just wouldn't work. Lifting his head, he looked towards the sink and saw his razor blade, and then before he knew what was happening he was standing up with the blade in his hand. Looking at his arm he began to cry, he just wanted the pain to stop, he wanted to be numb again.

And suddenly, he was watching himself running the blade across his arm, and was transfixed watching the blood beginning to ooze. He could feel the pain lessening and he was as close to feeling numb, as he was when they left Palo Alto. Sam didn't want to kill himself; he knew what it would do to Dean, that he would blame himself for not protecting his little brother and Sam didn't want Dean to have that guilt.

But it made him feel better and Sam couldn't help it. He felt a release from the pain of loosing Jess, from the guilt for his part in her death and the burden that he knew he was for his brother.

Sam knew that if Dean ever found out what he was doing, how weak he really was that he would leave him. He would realise that Sam was nothing but a liability and that he would end up getting him killed, just like he had gotten Jessica killed.

Getting back up off the bed, he wiped his face. He knew that Dean's patience with him was getting thin, so he was trying his best to prove to his brother that everything was ok. It was hard, but finally he had gotten control over how he woke up from his nightmares, and now it was at the stage where Dean didn't wake when Sam did. Eating was something else he was working on, but with everything tasting like sawdust, his stomach would begin to churn once the food entered his mouth. He had gotten used to throwing up in the bathroom after eating. It wasn't as if he was making himself sick, his stomach just refused to accept the food that it was being given. As long as Dean had thought that everything was ok and he was getting back to normal, everything was fine.

But now he knew that Dean didn't believe Sam about the blood, so he would just have to be more careful. Sam couldn't loose Dean; not after everything else.

Tbc...

Hope you like. Please please read and review


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

A/N: Warning - May contain graphic images and references to self harm

It wasn't long before they were on the road and heading to Bobby's. Dean was hoping that once there, between himself and Bobby they could fix Sam. He needed his little brother back, not the shell of the man that was sitting beside him. Looking over at Sam he could see that his brother had fallen asleep, not surprising seeing how he now knew that Sam hadn't slept much the night before.

He found it a little odd that the only place that Sam seemed to get a peaceful sleep was in the Impala. Reaching for the radio, he turned the volume down. Sam needed his rest and there was no way he was going the radio disturb his little brother; even if it was his favourite ACDC album.

He had called Bobby from the last gas station they had stopped at, told him that they were on their way and to make sure to remind him that if Sam asked he had wanted them to stop by to look over the omens that Bobby found. Unable to hold it in, he told Bobby about the blood that he had found, and how Sam had told him he had had a nosebleed but Dean knew that he was lying.

"How can you be so sure Dean, I mean with the stress that Sam is under and if he is not eating or sleeping like you say, then it wouldn't be a surprise that he would have a nosebleed?" Bobby had asked.

"You didn't see him Bobby. I know my brother, sure we've been apart for two years, but I still know Sam and he always was a terrible liar. There is something more going on here, I just don't know what it is." Dean said with a sigh.

"Don't worry Dean, between the two of us, we'll figure it out and we'll get Sam back."

"I hope you're right Bobby, I really do. I can feel Sam slipping further and further away from me everyday… I'm scared Bobby, I'm scared I'm going to loose him." Dean said, disgusted at the choking sound coming from his voice.

"It's not going to happen Dean, I promise ya. You just get that boy here, do you understand me?" Bobby asked, his voice sounding sure and confident.

"Yeah Bobby, I do. Thanks again, I really appreciate you helping us out."

"You boys should know you are always welcome here."

"Well to be honest Bobby, I wasn't sure, I mean the last time we were there you went after Dad with a shot-gun."

"Yeah, but did you see me aiming it at you or your brother? No. I was just aiming at your Daddy, and besides he deserved it, stupid jackass."

"Thanks, I think. We'll be there as soon as we can. Really though Bobby, thanks, I don't know would do, I'm kinda all out of ideas."

"Will you stop thanking me, I haven't done anything yet." Bobby said

Dean hoped that being at Bobby's would stabilise his brother and they could get to the bottom of what was going on with him, cause he feared that if he couldn't he would end up loosing his brother.

Looking over at his Sam, his head leaning against the window, Dean pushed his foot harder on the accelerator wanting to get to Bobby's as soon as possible.

SN

They pulled into Bobby's a little after three. Apart from stopping for gas, Dean hadn't stopped for anything to eat, happy that his brother was finally getting some sleep. But it was if Sam knew that his time in the car was about to end, cause a mile from Bobby's, Sam's face began to show signs of distress, and then suddenly his eyes snapped open and he gasped as he awoke.

Dean was torn – he wanted to ask Sam what had he been dreaming about but didn't want to push Sam away. Deciding that now there were at Bobby's it might be better to wait for backup before tackling Sam.

"We almost there?" Sam asked as he turned to face his brother, wiping the last of the sleep from his eyes.

The sound of Sam's voice startled Dean out of his musings.

"Huh, yeah, few more minutes and we should be there." Dean watched as Sam tried to stretch the kinks out of his shoulders and neck. It had always been a downside that his brother had outgrown the Impala, and while he loved his brother more than life itself but there was no way he was going to sell his baby!

As they exited that car, Sam a little more sluggishly than Dean, saw Bobby come out to meet them. He stood on the porch in his customary baseball cap waiting for he boys to approach. Throwing his arms around Dean, he grabbed him in a bear hug. Dean wasn't a hugging type of guy, but he couldn't help himself allow himself to relax into the embrace. He finally felt that he wasn't alone in this. The level of his worry had only increased when he had found the bloodstained cloth. He still couldn't work out what was going on but he knew that his little brother had looked him dead in the eye and lied. That thought absolutely terrified him.

"Good to see ya boy." Bobby said as he pushed Dean back, not fully releasing him as he kept a grip on the younger mans shoulders, looking him over.

"Good to see you too Bobby."

Looking at Dean, Bobby could see the gratitude in his eyes and knew that things must be bad because Dean Winchester never asked for help, not until he felt that he was in big trouble.

Bobby raised his head and looked back towards Sam who was rummaging through the trunk of the car. Sure, it had been a couple of years since he seen they boy but the person who was standing in front of him was a shadow of who he remembered.

Watching as Sam walked around the Impala carrying his bag, he noticed how sluggish and unsteady he seemed, he locked eyes with Dean and could see the worry that lay there.

"He Sam, how are you doing?" Bobby asked as he moved away from the porch and started towards Sam. Like with Dean, once he reached Sam he put his arms around him but was surprised when Sam didn't return the gesture. Pulling away from him he looked into Sam's eyes and saw all the hurt, pain and desperation that Dean had told him about.

"Oh Sam, I'm sorry about your girlfriend. Dean told me when I called him. I really am sorry."

"Thanks Bobby, I appreciate it." Sam whispered, then clearing his throat, he blinked away the unshed tears and as he began walking towards the house, he turned back to Bobby.

"Where are these omens you were telling Dean about?"

SN

While Sam took up a spot at a table in the study to look over the "omens" that Bobby had discovered, himself and Dean headed to the kitchen to get a beer.

"What do you think Bobby? He looks bad doesn't he?" Dean asked, taking a sip.

"Well, you've got to remember I haven't seen him in a while, but yeah he doesn't look good. He seems to be unsteady on his feet, he looks to be lacking some muscle and those bags under his eyes……..well they tell their own story."

"I really don't know what to do Bobby, he's not sleeping, barely eating – anything that he does eat he throws back up and now he's lying about the blood I found. I don't know for the life of me where the blood came from all I know is he lied to me." Letting out a sigh he sat down at the table and began to peel the label off the bottle as he continued.

"I've tried to confront him but it just seems to push him away and I'm afraid that if I push too hard he'll end up doing something that'll get himself killed. But then there's a voice in my head that is screaming at me to do something cause if I don't I'm going to loose him one way or another."

"It's ok Dean, we'll work it out, but I think you're right, something needs to be done – he can't go on like this."

"Just don't let I him know that I brought him here, as far as he's concerned we came cause you found some omens."

As Dean looked up at Bobby, he realised that Bobby was looking past him to the doorway, turning quickly he saw Sam standing and by the look on him face he had heard everything.

SN

Standing up so quickly that he almost knocked the chair over, Dean turned to Sam and saw a look of betrayal on his face.

"Sam, I…" he began before being cut off by his brother.

"Save it Dean, just save it." Sam shouted as he turned away.

Dean knew that he couldn't let Sam go, it was time to sort it out. He followed his brother out of the room, Bobby in his wake.

"Sam."

"No Dean, you lied to me. You told me that Bobby called you - that he needed our help when all the time it was you. You were the one that called him, I mean seriously what the hell." Sam shouted.

"You wanna talk about lying Sam, what about your lies huh?"

"I don't know what your talking about Dean – don't try to turn this around….."

"You've just done it again. You know damn right well what I'm talking about – pretending that your sleeping when I know you're not, pretending that your eating – when I know that you have just been throwing everything back up. And I also know that the blood I found on the cloth wasn't cause you had a nosebleed. I'm so sick of the lies Sam. I just can't watch you do this to yourself any longer." Dean said, watching as Sam barely flinched at his words.

"Well maybe it would be best if I leave, that way you won't have to deal with it." Sam said as he turned away.

Dean wasn't going to back down this time. Moving after his brother, he reached out and grabbed Sam's arm, ready to continue the argument. He wasn't expecting the grunt of pain and the way Sam tried to pull his arm away.

"What the hell is wrong with your arm?" Dean said as he began to lift the sleeve of Sam's shirt.

"Nothing Dean, would you get off." Shouted Sam as he tried in vain to pull his arm free of his brother's vice like grip.

Dean wasn't prepared for the sight that greeted him, the audible gasp from Bobby who was standing behind him only made him feel worse.

"God Sammy, what did you do?" he voice barely above a whisper.

Tbc...

Please let me know what you think - what you like and what needs to be improved.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – The Long Way Down

A/N – Again I'm advising that this chapter may contain graphic images and references to self-harm.

I would like to say a big THANK YOU to buttercupgalaxy who has agreed to be my Beta and has helped me so much with this chapter.

I would also like to say thanks to everyone who reviewed – each review overwhelms and inspires me.

**SN**

It was as if time stood still for Dean as everything fell into place. God how had he not seen it? How could Sam do something so stupid? Then it came to him like a slap in the face – had their relationship deteriorated so much that his little brother felt it was easier to hurt himself than to talk to him about what was going on?

"Dean, it's not what you think, I just cut my arm, that's all no big deal." Sam said as he tried to pull his arm away from his brother but finding his brother's grip too strong.

"No big deal Sam, your arm is ripped to pieces and you are telling me that it's no big deal – you're joking right?" Dean shouted, he couldn't help himself; he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Dean would you stop exaggerating, it's a few scratches, seriously Bobby I don't know what's gotten into him lately, he just keeps blowing everything out of proportion." Sam said, in a very controlled and unemotional tone, as he looked past Dean to make eye contact with Bobby.

Shocked at the sight of Sam's arm but also understanding that this was a moment that needed to be between the brother's, Bobby realised that he needed to maintain his silence.

"Out of proportion Sam, for Gods sake would you just look at your arm? How can you stand there and tell that there is nothing wrong with you?" Dean was exasperated and slightly unnerved at how unemotional his brother was.

"Because. There. Isn't. God Dean we are just going around in circles. For the last time Dean, there is nothing wrong with me." Sam shouted.

"You're serious aren't you? You're not lying to me, you really believe that there's nothing wrong with you?"

Sam stopped trying to pull his arm free as he watched Dean, unnerved by his reaction. His brother was just standing there, looking at him. Sam saw numerous emotions displayed themselves on his brother's face, hurt, rejection, anger and disappointment. Taking a step back he moved his arm from Dean's grasp and turned away, moving towards the stairs and climbing them as fast as he could.

SN

Dean couldn't move, he felt totally paralysed and couldn't work out what was wrong with him. He had always been a man of action, yet here he was, standing in the middle of the floor watching his brother turn his back on him, lock himself away, the same brother that he had just realised had been hurting himself on purpose.

How could he not have known how bad things were? Then he realised the truth, he did know that things were bad, but he had been too afraid of forcing Sam to talk. He told himself that he was afraid to push Sam away but he knew the real reason was that he was afraid of what Sam might say and even worse that he might not be able to fix it.

Suddenly he was finding it hard to breath, by ignoring the fact that Sam wasn't sleeping or eating had he forced his little brother to cut himself. He couldn't breath – how could he have done that to Sam, he was supposed to protect him?

Bobby's hand was on his back and he realised that he was speaking to him, although he was having a hard time hearing him. He felt Bobby pushing him down so that his hands were on his knees as he leaned forward, all the while hearing Bobby mumbling something.

"Take it easy Dean, just breath, deep breaths, come on boy." Bobby said gently, his hand on Dean's back in an effort to calm him. Eventually he calmed, and moved to sit on the couch.

"God Bobby, what have I done?" Dean asked, putting his head in his hands.

"Boy what are you talking about?" Bobby asked, confused.

"You saw Sam's arms Bobby, how could I do that to him, I mean, it's my job to protect him, I…" Bobby cut Dean off.

"You didn't do anything to Sam, he did that himself."

"Didn't I Bobby, I knew he was in a bad way, but instead of getting him to talk about it, I ignored it and hasn't that worked so well for him. God did you see the state of his arm? What am I going to do Bobby?" Dean asked lifting his head and looking at the older hunter.

"You'll do what you always do Dean, you'll get him through it."

"I don't know if I can, it feels like I already lost him." Dean said, returning his head to his hands.

**SN**

Sam needed to get out of there; he couldn't bear to see the disappointment in his brother's eyes. What had he done? He was going to loose Dean now, he knew it, had seen it in his brother's face when he realised how weak Sam really was. There father had always known it, known he wasn't as strong as Dean, that's why he had asked Sam so many times "Why can't you be more like your brother?"

Sitting on the bed, tears forming pools in his eyes he sighed. If only his father knew how often he had asked himself the same question. He would give anything to be more like Dean, he had tried he really did but he just wasn't good enough. Everything just seemed to come to Dean so easy, where he had always been so clumsy and awkward.

Now here he was at twenty-two years old, having nightmares, cutting himself and not being able to eat. What use was he to Dean, how could his brother trust him to back him up?

Jessica dying in the same way as their mother had proved one thing to Sam, he had, as he had always believed, killed his mother. Now just by association he had killed Jessica, and it was likely that Dean would be next. The pain of the realisation and the grief that he had been feeling since Jess's death began to overwhelm him and the thoughts of Dean being better off without him began to swirl around his head.

**SN**

"Dean, you have got to stop beating yourself up about this, it's not your fault. This has been something that has been building for a while. Sam's life has been turned upside down over night. He lost his girlfriend, the life he wanted and his Dad is missing. There is no way in hell that he was not going to be affected. I'm not excusing what's going on here, all I'm saying is we shouldn't be surprised that he is struggling Dean." Bobby said as he pulled a chair up and sat in front of Dean.

"But Bobby, he's cutting his arms up, not eating, not sleeping – look at him Bobby, he looks like he is dying."

"But he's not Dean, we can get him through this, you're not in this on your own anymore, we are in this together and we'll fix it. I promise you Dean, we will fix it."

"How?" he asked. Looking at Bobby.

"We are going to sit him down and get him to talk about what is going on in that head of his, and we are going to make sure that he starts eating again. We'll deal with the nightmares when they come."

Dean nodded his head, knowing that there was no point in feeling defeated, as that would not help Sam. Standing up he took a deep breath.

"Ok I'm going up to see if I can get him to come down and talk"

"Good. I'll see about putting on something to eat."

Watching as Dean went up the stairs, he knew one thing was for certain, they had to find a way to help the youngest Winchester because if they didn't he feared Dean would be lost forever.

Turning for the kitchen, Bobby was stopped dead in his tracks as he heard Dean shouting.

"Sam, what the hell do you think you are doing?"

Tbc...

Please please let me know what you think.


	9. Chapter 9

The Long Way Down – Chapter 9

A/N – Again I'm advising that this chapter may contain graphic images and references to self-harm.

Walking into the room they were sharing, Dean saw his brother standing with a knife in his hand, his mind flashed back to the cuts on his brother's arm and he knew there was no way that he would allow his brother to hurt himself further. Shocked by what he saw, he strode across the floor and putting his hand on his brother's shoulder as he roughly turned Sam around to face him. It was then that he realised that his brother was actually packing his bag – relief washed over him for a moment with the knowledge that his brother wasn't cutting himself but it then dawned on him that Sam was preparing to leave.

"Sam, what the hell do you think you are doing?" He shouted.

"What does it look like Dean? You seem to know everything that's going on, so you tell me?" Dean realised that there was a change in his brother, downstairs he seemed almost detached from the situation but now he was standing in front of him visibly shaking, looking actually distraught.

"It looks like you're leaving Sam." Replied Dean as he stepped closer to his brother, not wavering to the fact that he stood shorter than his brother.

"Well, it looks like for once that you're right." Sam said as he took a step back from Dean, turned and resumed his packing.

"Sammy, please talk to me, you can't keep going on like this." Dean's voice was soft as he stepped closer to his brother.

"I've told you Dean, I'm fine…..I just…..I just need to go, get away for a bit." Sam said as he kept his back to his brother and continued his packing.

"I can't let you leave here Sam, I wont allow it." Dean said trying to keep his voice calm.

"And how are you going to stop me? Why can't you just let me go?" His little brother's voice broke as he spoke.

"Because Sammy, I'm scared, I'm scared that if you walk out of here I'll never see you again."

"Bit dramatic don't ya think?" Sam asked.

"Sammy, please look at me?"

Sam stopped what he was doing and turned to face Dean.

"Why won't you let me help you Sammy, what did I do that made you think that you couldn't come to me. That hurting yourself was the best option?"

"Dean, I'm not…" Sam began.

"Please, don't say it Sam, I can't listen to you tell me your fine anymore. Have you looked at yourself lately, I mean really looked at yourself. Your dropping weight, you look like you haven't slept in weeks and now your hurting yourself?"

"I'm not…."

"Sam, are you trying to tell me that if I get you to lift the sleeve on your other arm I'm not going to see the same as when we were downstairs? I'm not judging you Sam, I'm just worried sick about you and I want to help, I really do but you have to talk to me, you have to tell me what's going on in your head."

Dean's eyes pleaded with Sam, and he thought back to all the times when Dean had told him that he was the one with the "puppy dog eyes" and wondered if his brother had been practicing this technique himself.

"What do you want me to say Dean? What is it you want to hear?"

"I want you to tell me what's going on with you, why are you doing this to yourself?"

Sam looked at him, as if evaluating the situation.

"You're really not going to let this go, are you?" Sam asked as a look of resignation washed over his face.

"Sam, if I have to tie you up until you talk, then that's what I'm going to do." His brother replied, trying to keep it light as his mind screamed for Sam to talk, to finally let him in.

"God you're serious" Sam said as he slumped back onto the bed.

"You got that right. Come on Sam, talk to me, maybe I can help you feel better?" Dean said as he sat beside his brother.

"Why should I feel better Dean? This is my punishment and I need to accept that."

"What are you talking about Sam, I don't understand? Punishment for what?" Dean had a good idea where this conversation was going, but he knew that Sam needed to say it himself; needed to release the pain he was feeling.

"For killing Mom and Jess…." Sam said as be began to look at the ground.

"Sammy, we've been over this….."

"Don't Dean, don't tell me what I want to hear. I'm not stupid, Mom and Jess die the same way, over my bed – you do the math."

"Well, we both know that Maths was never my strong point, but I have to say dude I think it's you with the wrong answer this time. I mean come on Sam; you were six months old when Mom died – a baby, what could you have done? Jess died because the same thing that killed Mom killed her and I'm not going to sit here and say that it was a coincidence cause honestly I don't think it was but it was certainly not your fault."

"But I feel so guilty Dean, I just want it to stop, I want to go back to feeling nothing." Sam's voice cracked as he spoke, slowly lifting his head.

"I just want the pain to stop. I'm so tired Dean, all I want to do is sleep but I can't cause every night I relive it over and over again – the look on her face Dean, she looks so scared and I couldn't help her, I couldn't do anything."

"Sam there was nothing you could have done, you have to realise that. I know I didn't know Jess but I do know you and in my heart I can't believe that anyone that you were so much in love with would want to see you like this? Do you think that she would want you to blame yourself?" Dean pleaded with his brother, needing him to realise that this wasn't his fault.

"I know she wouldn't, but the nightmares won't go away and I'm just so tired and I feel so weak all the time." Tears had begun to fall down Sam's cheeks as he looked pleadingly at his brother.

"It's no wonder that you feel weak Sam, you haven't been eating and now with the cutting, you're becoming run down."

"I'm so sorry Dean, I tried, I really did. I tried to eat, I just can't. Everything tastes like sawdust and if I do manage to eat it my stomach just wont keep it down. I don't mean to do it, I really don't." Sam was pleading with his brother now, his hands on Dean's arms.

"I know that Sam, but what I don't understand is why you felt that you couldn't talk to me, that you felt that hurting yourself was a better option?" Dean asked gently as he took Sam's arms in his hands.

Sam pulled away from Dean and began moving towards the window, while wiping the tears from his face with the sleeves of his shirt.

"All my life Dean, all I have ever wanted is for you and Dad to be proud of me. It was so hard to watch the disappointment on his face, day after day. But you Dean, I never saw that when I looked at you, all I ever saw was my big brother – the person who looked out for me my whole life."

"Sammy Dad was proud of……"

"Please Dean just let me finish. Now Jess is gone and Dad is missing and I'm all you have to watch your back, and I'm scared Dean, scared that you'll finally realise what Dad's known all along, that I'm a liability. I'm scared that when the time comes I'm going to let you down and your going to die. I couldn't tell you how I was feeling Dean, cause you'd realise how weak I am." Taking a deep shuddering breath Sam continued with his back to his brother.

"But it's just so hard Dean, I mean sometimes it feels like I just can't breathe, that I'm suffocating. It got so bad one night that I thought I was going to pass out, I went into the bathroom and I saw the blade. The next thing I knew I was watching the blood flowing from my arm and it felt good. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was in control, and for a while the guilt and the pain of loosing Jess was gone."

Turning around to face his brother, Dean could see that the tears had once again began to flow, and looking at Sam he could see the desperation, guilt and pain on his face.

"But it came back Dean, it always comes back and now I can't stop, I'm so sorry Dean, really really sorry." With that Sam began to sob, and Dean couldn't stand to watch as his brothers frame began to shake up and down. Moving towards Sam, Dean grabbed Sam in a bear hug and pulled him close.

"It's ok Sam, it's ok. We are going to get through this. Together, do you hear me Sam, we are going to get through this together. I promise that I'm going to help you Sam, I'll get you through this. It's going to be ok." Dean whispered.

Unbeknownst to Sam tears began to fall from Dean's eyes as he prayed that he could live up to his promise, knowing that if he couldn't his brother would be lost.

Tbc...

I hope you enjoyed this chapter - please review and let me know.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N – Again I'm advising that this chapter may contain graphic images and references to self-harm.

I would like to say a big THANK YOU to my Beta buttercupgalaxy.

SN

They stayed like that for a while, before Dean felt Sam moving away from him. Sam sat back from his brother, wiping his face with his sleeve, and began to laugh. Dean looked at his brother, confused.

"What's so funny man?" Dean asked, wondering if maybe Sam was having some sort of psychotic meltdown or something.

"Dude, so much for your "no chick flick moments" I didn't think you did the sharing and caring thing." Sam said sarcastically. Looking at Dean, he realised that his brother wasn't laughing; he was looking him dead in the eyes as he began to speak.

"Sam, don't you ever think for a moment that if you need to talk to me, about anything, and I mean anything, that you can't come to me. I'll always be here for you Sammy, and yeah, I know I can be an ass sometimes so much so that you've feel that you can't come to me, but you can Sam." The sincere look in his brother's eyes had Sam feeling his breath being forced from his lungs.

"I'm sorry Dean, I just I….." Sam begun

"It's ok Sam. Really it is. I told you already, we are going to get through this, together. The first thing we are going to do is get some food into you and then you're going to lie down and get some rest while I take a look at your arms."

"Dean, I'm not hungry. Maybe I'll just get some rest." Sam said as he moved to get up from the bed but Dean put his hand out to stop him.

"No Sam, you are coming downstairs with me now, having some of whatever it is that Bobby is cooking and then you can lie down. I'm not taking no for an answer." Taking a deep breath as he saw Sam about to try and talk his way out of it, Dean continued and affectively cut him off.

"I know you're having trouble eating, all I'm asking for is that you have something small to eat and then you can lie down. Please Sam, just try."

Sam nodded his head and moved off the bed, heading downstairs leaving his brother to follow in his wake.

SN

Bobby had almost finished cooking the soup he was preparing, knowing that Sam would need something nutritious but needed something that wouldn't be too heavy for the boys' stomach. He heard footsteps on the stairs as the boys came down the stairs, turning to them he noticed that Dean seemed a little less tense, while Sam still looked nervous, he seemed to be a little more relaxed than he had earlier.

"Well Bobby, whatcha got for us?" Dean asked as he went to the stove, picking up a spoon along the way and went to dip it into the soup.

"Get out of it." Booby said as he swiped at Dean before he had a chance to reach his goal.

"Ow, I only wanted to make sure that it was edible before we gave it to Sammy." Dean said, a smirk coming to his face. Moving to the press he grabbed a glass and proceeded to pour orange juice for his brother. Making sure that Sam wasn't looking, he slipped two sleeping tablets into the drink, ensuring that they had fully dissolved before passing to his brother.

He hated to have to drug his brother and didn't like the idea of Sam using sleeping tablets to sleep, but Dean knew that Sam needed to get some rest if he was going to get better and this was the best he could come up with.

The three of them sat in silence as Bobby and Dean continuously exchanged glances as Sam quietly drank his soup. Half way through the bowl, Sam began to yawn; by the time he was two thirds through he was nearly falling into it.

"Hey Sammy, I think it's time to get you to bed. Come on Sasquatch." Putting his hands on Sam's arms he lifted him out of the chair, and slowly manoeuvred his brother back up the stairs to the bedroom.

"I'm going to have a look at your arms ok Sammy, just going to clean and bandage them alright?" Watching as Sam slowly nodded his head, Dean was unsure that his brother was even aware of what was going on. Moving quickly, Dean grabbed the first aid kit, and sitting down on the bed beside his brother he began slowly lifting the sleeves of his brother's shirt, grimacing at the oozing cuts on both his brothers arms.

Taking out the disinfectant, he slowly began cleaning and bandaging the wounds on Sam's arms. After he was satisfied that he had cleaned the wounds and prevented the possibility of any infections setting in, he got off the bed, put away the first aid kit and pulled the blanket up around his brother. Putting the bottle of sleeping tablets back into the first aid kit, he moved back to his brother once more, pushing the hair out of Sam's face.

"Sleep well little brother, sweet dreams," With that Dean quietly left the room.

SN

Going back down stairs to Bobby, Dean gladly accepted the beer that was being handed to him. Sitting down, taking a long mouthful, he turned to face Bobby, noticing that the older hunter looking at him curiously.

"What?"

"Do you think it was wise to give Sam, sleeping tablets? I take it by the way you sneaked them into the glass that your brother didn't realise that he was being drugged?"

"Don't say it like that Bobby, the kid needs his rest. He's not going to get better if he is suffering from sleep deprivation, it'll only make him more depressed. I'm not happy giving them to him, you know how Dad felt about them but in this case I think it's the lesser of two evils. I mean seriously Bobby, you didn't hear what he was saying up there, the stuff that is going on in his head would put any man in the ground and I'm not going to let that happen."

"It was that bad?" Bobby asked, a worried expression on his face.

"It was worse than I imagined, he's a mess. I always knew that Sam was different to me and Dad, more innocent and naïve, to be honest more emotional than us but I guess I forgot how hard I found it to deal with it."

"Well you and your brother are definitely chalk and cheese." Bobby said, a smile coming to his face.

SN

Sam had been vaguely aware of his brother being in the room and the sting of the disinfectant on his arms as he felt the pull of sleep. It wasn't long though before he was back in the apartment that he shared with Jess, lying on that bed, staring at that ceiling and watching the women he loved burn alive in front of his very eyes.

Waking with a start, Sam got out of bed on unsteady legs. The guilt and desperation that now surrounded him since waking had his legs acting as if on autopilot, without realising it he was standing in the bathroom. Then he heard Dean's voice in his head, telling him that they would get through this together. He knew that what he was doing wasn't working; he wasn't feeling better so maybe it was time to open up and let Dean help him.

Heading downstairs to find his brother, he tried to mentally prepare himself to speak to his Dean, needing the reassurance of his big brother more than anything right now. As he approached the living room door, he heard Bobby and Dean talking. He was about to enter the room, when he felt himself beginning to sway, as he put his hand on the wall to steady himself, he felt his world fall apart as he heard their conversation.

"It was worse than I imagined, he's a mess. I always knew that Sam was different to me and Dad, more innocent and naïve, to be honest more emotional than us but I guess I forgot how hard I found it to deal with it."

"Well you and your brother are definitely chalk and cheese." Bobby said, a smile coming to his face.

Feeling that he couldn't breath, Sam turned on unsteady legs and headed back upstairs. Tears coming to his eyes, Sam told himself to stop it, this was what Dean was talking about when he said that he was emotional. He needed to remove the burden from his brother; he needed to pull himself together. He couldn't think straight and he felt so tired but with the nightmares haunting him he knew he wouldn't sleep. Deciding that there was only one thing for it he moved to the first aid kit, finding that box of sleeping tablets removed the lid and dry swallowed a couple of tablets. Forgetting to put the bottle back in the bag, he moved unsteadily back to the bed. Lying down he vowed to himself that he would prove Dean wrong. He would show him that he was able to take care of himself. Once he got proper nights sleep it would all seem better in the morning.

SN

If only Dean had realised that his brother had been outside the door when he spoke. If only Sam had remained for a moment longer he would have heard Dean continue his conversation with Bobby.

"But I wouldn't change the kid for anything in the world. He wouldn't be my geeky little brother Sammy and I love him the way he is. Sure we're different but it would be fairly boring if we were both the same." Dean said, a smile coming to his face.

"I can't believe you can call him little and keep a straight face." Bobby said as they both began to laugh.

If only Sam knew that his brother had already given him sleeping tablets to try and ensure that he got the rest he needed. If only Dean realised that his geeky little brother was upstairs in his bed unbeknownst to everyone, including himself, having accidentally overdosed on sleeping tablets?

Tbc

Please please please review...I really need feedback here. Let me know that you like and don't like.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N – Again I'm advising that this chapter may contain graphic images and references to self-harm.

I would like to say a big THANK YOU to my Beta buttercupgalaxy.

SN

"Do you remember when he was six and he kept going on and on and on about getting a dog?" Bobby asked as he took another mouthful of beer.

"Do I remember? Bobby, I honestly thought that Dad was going to go insane if he didn't stop asking. He just wouldn't shut about it. We tried being reasonable with him, you know, like even back then he was a smart kid and Dad sat him down and said that we travelled around too much. So Sammy asks him, how did the circus get away with moving their animals around like that? I mean really Bobby, he was six and he had an answer for everything." Dean began to laugh.

"God, I'll never forget the look on Dad's face – I had to try so hard not to laugh. Course Dad made it a lot easier for me when he shouted at Sammy, told him the answer was no and not to ask again. He cried himself to sleep that night." Dean said as he sighed.

"I know your Daddy loves you boys Dean, but God, he was never really good at getting it across to Sam." Bobby said cautiously, unsure of how Dean would take the criticism of his father.

Dean looked up at Bobby, a little bit taken back by the older hunters statement.

"He always tried his best Bobby, and to be fair there were a good few times when Sam gave as good as he got."

This time it was Bobby's turn to laugh.

"That's for sure, they definitely had a few blow outs in their time. But don't get me wrong kid, I know your father did his best but sometimes I think he forgot that you and Sam are two separate people. You gotta realise Dean, you are a hard act to follow. I mean when your Mom died, your Dad threw himself into the hunt and you followed him, no questions asked. But you said it yourself Dean, Sam isn't like ye; he doesn't see things the same way as you and your Dad and you got to imagine that that has to be hard for your brother. It must be like being on the outside looking in when you and your Daddy are together."

"I've never made Sam feel like he wasn't wanted. I would do anything for him, you know that." Dean said, angry that Bobby would question Sam's place in his family.

"Yeah I do Dean, but what I'm trying to say is; try to imagine things from Sam's point of view. He sees you as the model son, and as you said, he's never been stupid, he knows you're different. So if you're the model son in your Daddy's eyes, then he has to have asked himself what that makes him?" Seeing Dean about to object, Bobby held you his hand to silence him.

"I'm not saying that that is how it is, all I'm telling you is, if you are going to help Sam then you are going to have to talk to him, I mean really talk to him Dean. You've got to listen to what he has to say, accept that he believes it to be true – even if you don't agree with him, and work it out. You wont be able to help Sam if you don't understand everything that is going on in his head."

Realising that Bobby was right, Dean put down his beer and headed up to check on his brother, feeling the need to be there when his brother woke up.

SN

Walking into the room he saw Sam asleep on the bed, head buried under the covers. His brother finally looked at peace and Dean was glad that he at last was getting the rest that he needed.

As he was about to sit down when something caught his attention in the bathroom. Moving towards the room, he saw the first aid kit sitting on the floor and on the counter the bottle of sleeping tablets that he had used earlier. Knowing that he had put it away so that his brother wouldn't find out that he had given him the tablets, his heart started to race. Picking up the bottle, he moved back out to the bedroom and suddenly froze.

Looking between the bottle in his hand and his brother, barely visible in the bed, his panic grew.

"Oh no." He breathed out.

"Dean, what is it what's wrong?" Bobby asked as he came to the door, watching as Dean had turned a deathly shade of pale. He looked on in confusion as he moved quickly towards the bed and began to shake his brother as if trying to wake him.

Bobby strode into the room, grabbed Dean by the shoulders and pulled him away from Sam.

"Are you crazy? Let the boy rest."

"You don't understand Bobby, he took more of the pills." Dean shouted as he pulled away from Bobby, showing him the bottle in his hand.

Bobby turned back towards the bed, and watched as Sam turned away from them. Taking Sam's wrist in his hand, he checked his pulse, finding it to be regular he turned back towards Dean.

"How many did he take?"

"I don't know, I didn't check." Dean said. With a shaky hand he emptied the contents of the bottle onto the dresser.

"Ok, there were thirty in the bottle, I gave him two, and there are twenty six left." He said turning to face Bobby, relief coursing through him.

"So the kid took two, not an overdose Dean, he wasn't trying to kill himself. In fact seeing as how he didn't know he had already taken the first two he took a normal dose."

"Maybe we should take him to be checked out just to be on the safe side?" Dean asked, hoping that Bobby would give him the answer that he was looking for.

"Nah, he'll be fine, just sleep it off. At least he'll get the rest he needs." Bobby muttered, a smile creeping across his face.

"I swear to God, you boy's will be the death of me! Now Dean, you head off to bed and get some rest." Bobby said sternly, turning to face the younger man. Seeing as Dean was going to argue, he raised his hand.

"Don't even think about it Dean, I'm not taking no for an answer. Go to the spare room and get some rest. I'll stay here and watch out for Sam. Seriously Dean, get some rest, Sam doesn't need you right now, but he will when he wakes up."

Realising that Bobby was right, although there was no way in hell he was going to admit it, Dean nodded his head. He turned back to his little brother; Sam was currently in the process of burying himself under the covers again, and Dean could only smile as he remembered six-year-old Sam, who had cried himself to sleep because he couldn't have a dog. He always found it strange that Sam looked so young when he slept; finding that his hand had automatically made it's way to Sam's face, he slowly pushed his bangs back.

"Sleep well Sam. God knows you've took enough sleeping tablets to knock out a horse!" Dean said softly, his trademark grin coming to his face. Turning to Bobby, he slapped his hand onto Bobby's chest.

"He's all yours Bobby. He better be in once piece when I get back!" Dean said, glancing at Sam once more before he left the room.

SN

Bobby had taken up position in a chair beside Sam's bed. He had been sitting there for almost six hours when Sam began to stir, then mumble, which suddenly turned into trashing and finally came to an end with Sam sitting straight up in bed gasping for air.

"Well that looked like a one hell of a nightmare." Bobby said, clearing stating the obvious.

Sam's head snapped to the side in an attempt to locate that source of the voice in the room. Seeing Bobby sitting back in the chair, he pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head.

"I'm fine Bobby."

"Sure you are kid and I'm bet you've been telling yourself and your brother the same thing for quite some time judging by the state of you, but you can't kid a kidder Sam and you are certainly not pulling the wool over my eyes or Dean's for that matter. What's going on with you Sam, you're not the emotionally stunted Winchester – that's Dean's job. I have never known you to shut yourself off like this, refusing the help of your brother."

Sam sighed and lifted his head turning to face Bobby.

"I'm twenty two Bobby, all grown up. I'm well able to look after myself, managed fine for two years, I don't need to go running to my big brother." Sam snapped.

"Don't get testy with me boy. Just because your all grown up as you put it doesn't mean that you can't ask for help. Your brother wants to help you so why won't you let him?"

"Dean came to Stanford so that I could help him find Dad, not to baby-sit me, Bobby. He needs a partner, someone who is going to get Dad back, not someone….." Sam stopped seeming unable to finish the sentence.

"I thought you and Dean talked this out, that he told you that he wanted to help you…."

"I heard him Bobby, I heard him downstairs talking to you, I heard him say that he forgot how emotional I am and how I'm not like him and Dad. I'm not stupid Bobby, I know I disappoint Dad, but I never thought that Dean felt the same way." Sam said as he turned away from Bobby and began to look straight ahead.

" God, for someone so smart you sure can be stupid! Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Sam replied, not looking at Bobby

"Would it be fair to say that your brother is loud, cocky, arrogant, sometimes down right rude while also being a brilliant hunter, a great tactician and a really good brother?"

"Yeah that sounds like him." Sam said, finally turning to face Bobby, with a confused look on his face.

"Would you change him?"

"No, well maybe his need to blare his mullet rock in the car the whole freakin time, but other than that no."

"Why?"

"Why, what?"

"Why wouldn't you change him?"

"Well he wouldn't be Dean if I changed him."

"Now would it be fair to say that you're different to Dean in the way that your prefer books to bars and hustling pool, that you approach a hunt differently to him and that you like to talk things through rather than ignore them?"

Sam scrunched up his eyebrows, as if trying to work out where Bobby was going with this.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Do you love your brother Sam?" Bobby asked as he leaned forward in his chair and closer to Sam.

"Of course Bobby, how can you even ask that?" Sam replied, appalled that Bobby would question his love for his brother.

"Even though he is so different from you?"

"Bobby, of course. I don't know why you're asking me this. Dean is my brother – I would do anything for him."

"So why do you doubt that he would do the same for you? It doesn't matter to you that Dean's not like you, all that matters to you is that he is your brother, so why can't you see that that is all that matters to him."

As Bobby finished speaking he heard a noise coming from behind him, turning around he saw Dean entering the room. Looking back to Sam as he got up out of his seat, he put his hand on his arm.

"Let your brother be your brother Sam." With that being said he turned to head out of the room, only stopping on his way past Dean put his hand on his shoulder and giving it a small squeeze, finally closing the door behind him as he left.

Tbc...

Please please please review - I need feedback guys, it really really helps.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

A/N: I would like to say a big THANK YOU to my Beta buttercupgalaxy who has been a great support.

I couldn't reply directly to Kelly & PassionInsanity but I would like to say thank you to for your reviews, it is really appreciated.

SN

As Dean moved further into the room he could see that although his brother was awake and sitting up, he looked a little groggy.

"How you feeling Sammy?" He asked as he took up Bobby's previous position in the chair beside Sam's bed.

"Tired." Sam replied as he turned his head looking at the clock and shaking his head. "Although I'm not sure why, I mean I've had a couple hours sleep."

"Yeah, about that Sammy, I might have an idea about why you're still feeling tired. I ah, sorta put some sleeping tablets in your juice earlier." Dean told Sam, raising his eyebrows, while shrugging his shoulders.

"Ya did what? God Dean, what the hell were you thinking?" Sam said, getting defensive straight away.

"I was thinking that you needed some rest and you hadn't been able to manage it on your own so far so I thought what was the harm? How was I to know that you would end up taking more on top of it?" Dean said as he watched Sam's face change from anger to resignation.

"Anyway we should look on the bright side."

"There's a bright side?" Sam snorted.

"Well yeah, I'd say we should just be happy that Bobby didn't have the same idea as me and stick some in the soup or your ass would be at the hospital right now."

Dean watched as his brother began to smile, and let out a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Dean, you shouldn't have to be looking out for me. I promise I'll get it together, I wont be a burden any more." Sam said as he turned to look at his brother.

"Sam, I don't understand you man, when have I ever said you were a burden?" Dean replied, feeling a little frustrated as the voice inside his head kept asking "haven't we been over this already". However that voice soon went away when he saw the defeated look in his little brother's eyes as he looked at him.

"I heard you Dean. I heard you down stairs talking to Bobby, you said that I'm different to you and Dad, and you are right I am, I wish I wasn't but I can change Dean, I know I can. I promise I'll get my shit together and I'll help you find Dad."

"Why do you think that you have to be like me and Dad to be part of this family Sam? Don't you realise that our family hasn't always consisted of three people?" Dean said as he moved to sit on the side of Sam's bed. He watched as realisation of what he was saying registered with his brother.

"Mom" he whispered.

"God you really never considered the fact that you take after her. I'm sorry Sammy I thought you knew but I suppose looking back on it Dad and me never gave you a whole lot to go on, did we?"

"You really think I take after Mom, you're not just saying that Dean?"

"Sam I swear to you man, I see her in you everyday." He smiled as he looked at his brother, needing him to understand what he was telling him.

"You think that's why Dad and I fight so much because I remind him of her and he finds it hard?"

"Hell no! You and Dad fight so much because you inherited Dad's stubbornness and when you two go at it it's like a clash of the titans!" Dean smirked as he watched Sam give him the evil eye, well his best attempt anyway.

"Seriously though Sam, just because you argue doesn't mean he doesn't care!"

"Do you think he'll forgive me for leaving?" Sam asked and Dean realised that Sam's expression was one of hope.

"No, cause there is nothing to forgive Sam, there never was. He didn't mean it when he told you that if you left you couldn't come back, but once he said it the John Winchester stubborn streak wouldn't let him take it back and the Sam Winchester stubborn streak in you wasn't going to budge either."

"I really thought he meant it Dean, if I didn't I would have stayed in touch, I swear." Sam's voice seemed to be pleading with Dean to understand.

"That maybe true Sam but your beef was with Dad so why I didn't hear from you?" It was a question that he had always wanted to ask his brother, needing an answer for why there had been such a void in their relation for so long.

"For a while I think it was because I thought you felt the same way as Dad. You didn't say anything to me when I left Dean and you always follow Dads orders so I thought you agreed with him. Then after awhile I thought it was for the best cause I realised how bad Dad and me were to you, how selfish we both had been. Dean in every fight Dad and I had, both of us would drag you into it, demanding you take sides and taking it out on you when you chose the other side. I thought you finally you had some peace and if I contacted you then you would either have to tell Dad, which would have more than likely caused a row between you and him or you would keep it from him and I didn't want to put you in that position."

"I'm a big boy Sam, I can make my own decisions." Dean said, trying to remember what Bobby told him, listen to what Sam had to say and respect the fact that that was what he felt or believed to be true.

"I know that Dean, but I though if you wanted me in your life you would have called."

Dean began to laugh and saw his brother squinting his eyes at him in confusion.

"I was never out of your life Sam, never and in fact neither was Dad."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked looking more confused now than ever.

"Dad and I used to drop by Stanford every chance we could to check you on ya. The night I came to get you wasn't the first time I saw Jess or spoke to her even."

"Sammy I watched you and her going to the movies, to the library and all the time all I could think was my little brother had been taking notes from his big brother to get someone who was totally out of his league."

"You're kidding right?"

"Nope! I even asked her out on a date – lucky for you she turned me down, can't remember the last time that happened."

"Dude you asked my girlfriend out, what the hell?" Sam asked as he began to shout.

"Wow easy tiger. You bet I asked her. I needed to make sure that she wasn't playing you Sammy. I knew you had moved in together, so I knew that for you she was the real deal and I wanted to make sure she was on the level."

"Why Dean, why after all that time apart did it matter?"

"Sam it is my job, my responsibility to make sure you are ok and whether we're talking or not talking I'm still going to do my job. You're my little brother Sammy and I'll always look out for you and I'll admit I haven't been doing a good job of it lately but I'll do better, I promise."

Sam began to smile.

"I can't believe you asked Jess out, dude you were taking your life in your hands cause she was pretty feisty and she had a black belt in karate so she could have really kicked you ass."

"You tell me that now! Anyway she shot me down and believe me when I say it was really bad. I had used my best lines on her and everything. It was the best feeling in the world."

Sam looked at Dean, again in utter confusion.

"How was Dean Winchesters macho pride getting dented "the best feeling in the world"?"

"Cause I knew that it meant that there was someone in your life that would look out for you when I wasn't there. It was the first time I ever asked anyone out and was hoping that they'd say no – we except for that time we were in Texas and I lost that bet, you remember that waitress?"

"Yeah dude, that was bad." Sam laughed. Then the moment seem to pass as a wave of grief passed over his brother.

"I feel so lost Dean." Sam replied as he looked at Dean, his puppy dog eyes seeming to be pleading with Dean to make everything better.

"And that's fine Sam, you have every right to feel like that as long as you remember that you're not alone in it, that I'm here and I'll help you find your way." Dean said, his hand reaching out and finding a resting place on Sam's shoulder.

"I'll get you through this Sam, but you got to trust me and stop second guessing what I am thinking or how I'm going to react if you tell me something. I want you to promise that you'll come to me when you feel like your not coping, if there is something on your mind cause Sam I can only help you if I know what's going on inside your head."

After a moment's hesitation, Sam nodded.

"Do you really think I take after Mom?" Sam asked looking hopeful.

"Yeah dude definitely. I remember Dad told me one time that Mom couldn't hold her drink either, give her two beers and she'd be singing karaoke!" Dean said as his trademark smirk reappeared on his face.

"Anyway Sasquatch I think you need to get some more sleep. I'll be down stairs if you need me." Dean said as he got off the bed, watching as his brother lay back down and his eyes started to drift close. Moving to the door Dean was surprised to hear his brother's soft voice.

"Thanks Dean."

Turning to see Sam's eyes closed, he smiled.

"Anytime Sam."

As he closed the door behind him and stepped out into the hall, Dean stopped and leaned back into the door. Letting out a sigh, he couldn't believe how drained he felt – God this "emo" stuff really wore you down, how the hell did Sammy do this the whole time. Shaking his head, he moved away from the door in search of Bobby and more importantly a bottle of beer.

Tbc...

Please read and review – the feedback is much appreciated. Think just an epilogue left to finish this story.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural or its characters

A/N: This is the last chapter; I hope you enjoyed the story and I would just like to thank everyone who took the time to read and review.

I would like to say a big THANK YOU again to my Beta buttercupgalaxy who has been a great support.

SN

It had been two weeks since he had finally gotten his brother to open up and really let him know what was going on in his head. Two weeks since Sam had broke down and admitted his fears and the true extent of his guilt. Dean was no fool, he knew that one talk wouldn't make everything ok; he knew that his brother was too far in the depths of depression for it to be that easy. He had spent a lot of his time on the net looking for articles on depression and survivor guilt, and came to realise that the road to recovery was still some way off. But for the moment Dean couldn't help but feel that if they stuck together on it they would get through it – just as they always had.

The two weeks had been full of highs and lows, beginning with Sam finally having a full nights sleep, the first one in weeks, with the nightmares that had plagued him since Jess's death seeming to have finally abated. But Dean should have known better, when had Sam ever been that lucky? The nights that followed had the nightmares return with such veracity, that no matter what Sam had tried to do he would be unable to go back to sleep, instead spending the remainder of his night tossing and turning.

Dean was beginning to feel desperate, wondering if his talk with Sam had actually done any good, fearing that if the answer to his question was no then what was he going to do? He was all out of ideas. On the third night however they finally reached a turning point.

Dean had wakened instantly when he heard his brother sit up in bed with a gasp. Pretending to be asleep, he listened as Sam got out of bed and headed into the bathroom. He could feel a lump in his throat and his stomach begin to feel sick at the thoughts of what Sam could be doing.

Deciding that he couldn't wait for Sam to come to him any longer, he was about to get out of bed when he heard the bathroom door open. Listening, as Sam's footsteps padded across the floor and got closer to his bed, Dean continued his pretence of being asleep. The footsteps halted for a moment, and then suddenly started again until they reached their final destination and Sam reached out, put his hand on Dean's shoulder and was calling to him in an effort to wake him.

Sitting up in bed, Dean watched as Sam held out his hand to him, it was then that he noticed the knife that he was holding, a single tear falling down his cheek. At that moment Dean felt like he was ready to take on the world. He smiled at Sam, as he accepted the knife and put it in the drawer beside his bed. Realising that this meant more than Sam just handing over the knife, it was Sam was telling him that he was trusting in Dean to get him through this and even more importantly, that Sam himself wanted to get through it.

He had asked Sam if he wanted to talk about it, but Sam just shook his head. He had told Dean that he wanted to move on, that dwelling on it wasn't going to help him but he also didn't think that he was going to be able to get back to sleep. Dean had grabbed the blanket from the bed, and motioned for Sam to follow him. They ended up spending the night watching the Rocky marathon that was showing, and he had woken to Bobby cooking breakfast with Sam still sleeping on the couch.

So that was there lives were at the moment – full of ups and downs. But finally Dean felt that there was a glimmer of light beginning to make it's way through what seemed to be a very long tunnel, he just hoped that Sam had begun seeing it too.

They had made headway on the eating front – who knew Bobby was such a good cook? Sam still wasn't eating as much as Dean would like but he was eating and the trips to the bathroom after had been becoming less frequent.

Sam had begun to ask Dean about when they would be moving on, and Dean had taken one look at his little brother and knew the real reason that he was asking. Dean had been expecting the question, knew that Sam would think that he was holding things up, keeping Dean from the hunt. He had made it quiet clear to Sam that they were staying put until Sam was back up to a hundred percent and that he alone would be the judge of when that was.

And so here he was sitting with Bobby on the porch, drinking beer, watching his six foot four inch brother playing like a kid with Bobby's "guard dog" Rumsfield.

"So it looks like Sammy finally got that dog he was looking for?" Dean grinned as he turned to look at Bobby, knowing that the older hunter was calculating the amount of damage that Sam's playing was doing to the months of training Bobby had put in to make the dog a force to be reckoned with.

"Yeah, but did he have to pick Rumsfield, couldn't you have got him a retriever? I see Sam as a retriever kinda guy." Bobby said, wincing as he turned Rumsfield over and started to tickle his tummy.

"Yeah, I could have but where would the fun have been in that?" Bobby's head turned to look at Dean.

"Seriously though Bobby, we can't have a dog now for the same reason we couldn't get one when he was six and I don't want him to have something that he would only have to give up when it is time to hit the road." Dean turned his head and smiled as he heard Sam laugh, it really was good to hear that again.

"Least this way he knows heading into it Rumsfield will be staying here, cause there is no way we'd get him in the Impala."

"It'll be alright you know Dean, he'll be alright. You just have to give him time to recover and be there for him when he needs you. Don't expect miracles Dean and you wont be disappointed." Bobby said as he took another swig of beer.

"So you watch Oprah too, huh?" Dean asked as Bobby almost choked on his beer.

"Hey Bobby, have you got a hose anywhere?" Both men turned their attention to Sam.

"Why on earth do you want a hose Sam?" Bobby asked.

"I think Rumsfield needs a bath." Sam replied as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

The look on Bobby's face was priceless, if only he had his camera on him. Bobby turned his head to look at him, unable to hold it in any longer Dean burst out laughing.

"What, what's so funny?" Sam asked innocently as he looked between Bobby and Dean.

Yeah, Dean could definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel and as long as he could see it, he would make sure that he brought Sammy out with him.

**THE END**

Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks for taking the time to read - Hope you enjoyed.


End file.
